Finally Turned a Corner

So I am going on 5 whole days now of feeling good. Not just good... but great! I have put my body and brain, psyche and spirit through some really gnarly shit over the last 11 months. I finished brain radiation about 4 weeks ago, meaning I am done... I just heal now from all the chemo and radiation. But... I had crazy side effects from the treatment. I have two ways of describing how I felt most of the time. During chemo? Ever have a hang over? Well think about that hangover and multiply it by, oh say.. 10,000!! And when that was the dominating feeling.. one of my other favorite descriptives was "I feel like a bag of wet cement". I think that both of those come as close to how I felt as I can get. Oh, then there was the profound sense of fatigue. I mean, I don't think fatigue even comes close to describing the debilitating sense of being wiped out. Making a bed took every ounce of my being and even walking to another room exhausted me. I'd break out in a cold sweat and have to hold on to something due to dizziness and cough uncontrollably. Ya, it was a real adventure in how much poison a human can endure.

I remember looking around me in treatment at the 20 or so other people fighting for their lives and wondering how the hell they get through this stuff. I mean I was half the age of every other person I saw and it was takin' me down. But I found out that the younger you are, the more debilitating the treatments are. Even knowing that, I don't know how they do it. I sure wouldn't want to do this again, not even in the next few years, and I am only 44. These folks were 75, 80, 85! I can't even imagine their quality of life.

The brain radiation was a whole other ball game.. Made me see things and smell things that weren't there. This part of my therapy I fondly refer to as my "acid trip". We went to stay at a casino across the river about a week and a half ago and I was pretty much stuck in my room because the carpet in the hallway was so busy it looked like it was moving... it made me queasy and I literally felt like I was spinning around inside myself. They say it is a "phenomenon" of the brain radiation... but I say zapping someones brain with radiation is going to cause some crazy shit! You call it phenomenon... I call it predictable. You zap someone their gunna react!

I was scared when the treatment ended... I was scared because I felt bad and I felt powerless sitting around waiting for it to come back. It's amazing how how you feel can effect your psyche. The minute I FELT better, my whole outlook on life changed. The point of this seemingly pointless rambling is.... I am feeling better. I dare to be hopeful today!

A Shout Out to JuJu =)

The sweet smell of sour diesel permeated the blueberry patch as the old 18-wheeler, Grand-Daddy affectionatly called Alaskan Thunder F*ck, rolled through White Widow Hollow.

"X" Marks the Spot

Today, my new conspiracy theorist friend, Cleo, would have a field day here in Bullhead City Arizona!! There are so many trails in the sky that I quit counting at thirty. And here is the weird part, as I was driving up the hill to my final radiation/cancer treatment, I saw a huge "X" in the sky where two of the trails intersected! It was just so weird... it was directly in front of me and above me and all I could think is... oh my God, this is really......WEIRD.

Ever since I joined OWA and Vincent Madison introduced me to all the actual possibilities surrounding us, I've experienced so many...I guess... unbelievable events. Everything is questionable. Nothing is really random anymore, because even if you don't understand something in the beginning, months, maybe years down the road, it all becomes crystal clear.

I guess what I am learning is to question everything and be very, very patient. Always know that even if you don't get what's going on now... there is no way to stop the coming of the truth. You can be as aware as you choose to be.

Well, I'm off to count trails and "X"s in the sky =)

I Believe

I believe in miracles... because I am one.
I believe in humanity... because we are one.
I believe in my creator... because my creator believes in me.
I believe in magic... because without it there would be no miracles.
I believe that believing is very different than knowing.

My Daily Rant

So, I made the awful mistake of stopping on a news channel last night. They were talking about how the public schools somewhere, could save 6 million dollars a year if they stopped bussing kids to school..... They are seriously considering stopping the buses... I thought to myself, WWWWWHAT? How will they get to school? Some families don't have cars or just one car and both parents work. I mean the questions are endless.

And then that was followed up by the big talk about the U.S. government bailing out the car companies who greedily painted themselves into a corner.

Where am I going with this? I guess I want to know....where are our priorities? When did education become less important than cars?

Oceanic World Airlines

Ok, anyone who knows me (and some who don't) knows I am totally into this alternate reality game, also known as an ARG, called OWA. Oceanic World Air. This game, or should I say this little slice of nirvana, has changed my life completely. I know it sounds ridiculous but hear me out.

About 4 years ago a little t.v. show called LOST aired for the first time. It appeared to be about a plane crash on a seemingly deserted island and the struggles of the survivors awaiting rescue. I thought to myself, how long can this show last? I mean it was an awesome pilot and all, but come on, how long can we watch people eat coconuts?

Well,, I am a huge research hound and I decided to see what I could find out about this intriguing new show I had stumbled upon. So I did as every good citizen does.... I googled! The first site I went to, I think, was OWA. I thought it was a real airline site and was momentarily perplexed... was LOST a real show? Was the airline real? What the heck was going on? I started clicking around the page and things started to come together. Not at first... but a board was being formed with other people like me, wondering what the heck was up? On that day... an OWA ARGer was born!

Throughout my fantastic voyage, I have studied psychology, biology, physics, metallurgy, mythology, space and time, the making and breaking of codes, government plots and secrets and the list goes on and on... It has been a refuge for me from a world that I find increasingly intolerable. This place, OWA, has given me direction. It's given me a thirst for knowledge. And it's also introduced me to some pretty amazing people I would have never met otherwise. I have a friend who lives in China, one in England, a few in Canada and all over the U.S.

Yes, our fearless leader, Vincent Madison, has taken us on some pretty amazing journeys over the last 4 years or so. We're on one now if you'd like to try us out. Check out the main site and click around a bit and see if you might be up for the time of your life..... http://oceanicworldair.com/

Hope to see you on board!

Why?

I decided to start this blog because I am a great admirer of communication and a writer at heart. I find myself with so much to say.... and a lot of it is worthwhile. In this day and age... that is rare. As much of a cliche as it is... I am a true student of life. I have endured more than most people I know and I still find ways to be happy and stay fascinated with life and the unknown.

I am also creating this blog out of a personal need to just leave my footprints... I am a cancer survivor... and one of the precious few with the kind of cancer I had! In February of this year I was diagnosed with in-operable, terminal, extensive lung cancer. I had a 9 cm mass in my right lung that had attached itself to my trachea. It looked like a jellyfish with tentacles wrapping around everything it could get to. The prognosis was fatal. The doctors only shook their heads and offered treatment to possibly extend my life a few months but the fact was, I would probably only have about 4 months to live.

Today is November 19th, 2008... and here I am, what is it? 9 MONTHS LATER? And CANCER FREE! I'm bald, I'm sick a lot... but I know it is all temporary... I know... from personal experience in all aspects of my life, that no matter how bad things are at any given moment, there is an amazing, exhilarating, life changing event, waiting right around the corner!

So, here I am. No special treatments, no experimental stuff... just a firm belief in me... and my creator! Our creator had a plan for us alright, and that plan was for us to participate in our own destiny. I believe nothing is written in stone or space... it is being created with every thought and every action. Believe in yourself and your dreams and everything is possible.