Finally Turned a Corner

So I am going on 5 whole days now of feeling good. Not just good... but great! I have put my body and brain, psyche and spirit through some really gnarly shit over the last 11 months. I finished brain radiation about 4 weeks ago, meaning I am done... I just heal now from all the chemo and radiation. But... I had crazy side effects from the treatment. I have two ways of describing how I felt most of the time. During chemo? Ever have a hang over? Well think about that hangover and multiply it by, oh say.. 10,000!! And when that was the dominating feeling.. one of my other favorite descriptives was "I feel like a bag of wet cement". I think that both of those come as close to how I felt as I can get. Oh, then there was the profound sense of fatigue. I mean, I don't think fatigue even comes close to describing the debilitating sense of being wiped out. Making a bed took every ounce of my being and even walking to another room exhausted me. I'd break out in a cold sweat and have to hold on to something due to dizziness and cough uncontrollably. Ya, it was a real adventure in how much poison a human can endure.

I remember looking around me in treatment at the 20 or so other people fighting for their lives and wondering how the hell they get through this stuff. I mean I was half the age of every other person I saw and it was takin' me down. But I found out that the younger you are, the more debilitating the treatments are. Even knowing that, I don't know how they do it. I sure wouldn't want to do this again, not even in the next few years, and I am only 44. These folks were 75, 80, 85! I can't even imagine their quality of life.

The brain radiation was a whole other ball game.. Made me see things and smell things that weren't there. This part of my therapy I fondly refer to as my "acid trip". We went to stay at a casino across the river about a week and a half ago and I was pretty much stuck in my room because the carpet in the hallway was so busy it looked like it was moving... it made me queasy and I literally felt like I was spinning around inside myself. They say it is a "phenomenon" of the brain radiation... but I say zapping someones brain with radiation is going to cause some crazy shit! You call it phenomenon... I call it predictable. You zap someone their gunna react!

I was scared when the treatment ended... I was scared because I felt bad and I felt powerless sitting around waiting for it to come back. It's amazing how how you feel can effect your psyche. The minute I FELT better, my whole outlook on life changed. The point of this seemingly pointless rambling is.... I am feeling better. I dare to be hopeful today!